Tough Love or Enabler

Whether it be a child, grandchild, or a friend, at some point in life we may find ourselves in a position of influence. If we are lucky, most of those times we can be a positive influence to help them see possibilities in their future. We can help them identify things they do well and help them see abilities they are underutilizing. How the person interprets those comments cannot always be predicted, because you may not know what that person is internalizing at that moment.

With a small child who is misbehaving, it is important to understand if they are doing it to get attention – that should tell you what you need to do so that is not necessary. If they are acting up because it is becoming part of their personality, then some form of punishment is needed.

We expect or at least hope that when someone we care for becomes an adult, we always be a positive influence on them. Perhaps, they will see something in our life that they will want to make a part of their character. The relationship gets more difficult when they do things that keep them from success in their everyday life. Maybe it is an addiction or just a rebellion against normal standards. If they have decided to be a victim and are not responsible for any of their failures, then what do you do? As part of that transition, they may have rewritten the history of their childhood to justify their present circumstances.

For a spouse, those kinds of problems can kill off love in a relationship. For a parent or grandparent, your love may remain, but a decision must be made as to what your role will be going forward. Will you be an “enabler” and continue supporting the person without any need for change or will you choose “tough love” by identifying changes needed? I believe everyone goes down the enabler path for some time thinking that they will respond to your love and support positively. At the point when it becomes clear that there will be no changes except those expected from you, the hard decision must be made.

Most of us have learned from an early age that God loves us all and Jesus came into this world so that we can all have access to salvation. However, nowhere in the Bible can you find that God accepts sin. In Luke 12, Jesus speaks clearly on many issues to help us understand the truth about God’s love and protection, but He also provides warnings to those who reject Him.

⁵¹ Do you think I came to bring peace on earth? No, I tell you, but division. ⁵² From now on there will be five in one family divided against each other, three against two and two against three. ⁵³ They will be divided, father against son and son against father, mother against daughter and daughter against mother, mother-in-law against daughter-in-law and daughter-in-law against mother-in-law.”
Luke 12:51-53 New International Version

The message is that each person will be held accountable for their choice. If we continue to support someone regardless of their actions, we are only helping them travel down a road that only leads to a bad ending.