Loneliness

So many books have been written about loneliness and all of the problems that feeling creates in a person’s life. Medical Science has an entire branch dictated to that issue. Some people suffer from the impact of it for most if not all of their life. As a child growing up in a family with four children, I never experienced that feeling as a child.

As a teenager, I began having new feelings toward pretty girls that included excitement when the relationship was going well and sadness when it ended. Those peaks and valleys in my feelings were part of the development of my maturity and understanding that most of our relationships are fairly short in duration. While in high school, there were many opportunities to develop new relationships and to enjoy those experiences. I was fortunate to have an active dating life through high school and up to getting married.

Two of those relationships were longer in duration and included plans for our future. When that relationship ended unexpectedly, I felt sad and guilty, but not lonely. I guess that should have been a clue that they were not meant to be my future. However, I believe my mind was not looking for another serious relationship when I began dating Eva. Truth is, I was dating multiple girls at the same time and Eva was just one of them. After a few months, something changed when I began to feel that Eva saw me differently than other girls I had dated.

This girl that I had known for more than ten years and I had never considered dating, was different. It was not “love at first kiss” for me, but it was different. I soon understood that Eva cared more for me than any person I had known. Very soon after that, she was the only girl I was dating and then we were engaged. I had learned what it was like to love and to be loved.

Eva liked to tell the story about it being leap-year when girls asked the boys to marry them, and it is true that she did ask me to marry her. However, she had a pretty good idea of what the answer was before she asked. We jumped into married life knowing little about what that would be like and with few plans for how we would make it through the next month let alone the rest of our lives. We grew as a couple and then as a family through good times and storms that caused some hardships.

There were times when we spent many a night praying and sometimes crying over problems that we were dealing with in our family, but we did it together. We fixed all that we could fix and prayed about those problems we could not fix. Eva might be the first to cry, but she was always the rock for me to lean on. We enjoyed so many things together that almost all of my memories involve her.

When Eva’s health began to fail, I adjusted my activities to be here for her. I think I may have then worn that as a badge of honor, doing the right thing. As the days became weeks, then months – I think I forgot she was still an important part of my life. Her eyes said she still loved me even if she could not speak the words.

At the age of 79, I am feeling lonely for the first time in my life. I know Eva is in Heaven and all is well with her health, but I miss her being part of my life. I find myself looking through picture albums and listening to old recordings of her singing, wishing I had more. Only God knows why I am still here without her.

George Strait – One Of You