What Is Your Legacy

The last few years have been very difficult and many times I would fall into a “poor me” mindset. I tried my best to keep up the appearance that I was fine. Late in life, having spent the vast majority of my life with a woman that had loved me more than I ever deserved. Some days, I would make a mental list of my tasks to take care of Eva’s needs and put them on top of my “to do” list. For a few years, after breakfast, I would turn on the Game Show channel and sit down for a few minutes to watch to see if Eva was watching or listening to the TV. I would see if she would interact with me about the show or questions about other things or memories. On those days when she showed interest, she wanted me to continue getting her to talk, that would become my focus for the day. If she seemed uneasy with my efforts, I would then go to my office and work on updating a website, reading and posting comments on Facebook, reading articles on the internet, or paying bills.

With her eyesight and hearing failing, she first gave up her love to read books. I have never known another person that read so many books and would read the same books multiple times over the years. She bought and read every “Left Behind” book as soon as it was available and she would reread the previous book before starting the new book to keep the transition clear in her mind. When the movie versions were out, she would buy them, and watching it would be a priority for the family. Sometime within the last six weeks of her life, I asked her which book something was in, when I showed her three books, she pointed to the book where that was discussed. During a couple years prior, she had given at least a hundred books to women at church and to others. There are well more than a hundred books still here in our home. When she lost interest in anything on the TV or watching movies, the house got a lot quieter and my depression sent me to my office for much of the day. She had a “call button” that we had used originally during the night to wake me when she needed something and it then got used during the day when it became difficult for her to call out to me in another room.

I began to think that was workable and ok. Now I am somewhat ashamed that I had adjusted to that as a way to get through my days and get other things done for my church, a group in Jersey Village, or other needs. That allowed me to think of Eva’s needs as a daily responsibility. While both Eva and I made that commitment when we said, “I do”, I feel I should have had a more positive view of another day that I could spend with Eva. My message to those facing a similar situation, you need more help than you think you do. You need to find a way to step away for a day and take a breath so you can then keep your life in focus – see the person you love and not the responsibility. I do not know if it will lessen the pain of missing your loved one, but it may eliminate some of the feelings of not doing enough to make them comfortable and feel loved during their last days.

Many people have been supportive and some have asked me “so what are you going to do now?” For a while, I said I do not know or maybe some traveling again. Many people have provided supportive comments regarding recent articles I have written and a few have suggested that I should write a book. I had started working on one a few years ago before Eva’s health issues, but I had not focused much time on it in years. Another person suggested that I start a Blog where my articles can be kept and read later. Then I watched a great message about “What is your legacy?”

I have decided that I will try to do both and perhaps provide a laugh or two along the way. God willing, maybe I will live long enough to get that book written to provide something that my grandchildren and great-grandchildren can learn something about the “Ole Days”. My book “God Had a Plan” is about how storms in our lives are part of the journey of getting to where God wanted me to be.