Story of a Battered Life

Written by my beautiful daughter, Jennifer Ray Bull.

I was beaten, denigrated, and in fear for my life from someone I loved. This is not a short story, but I am sharing it in hope that someone out there will be blessed by my tragedy.

It was Christmas break in 1988 while I was home from college. I went dancing with my sister and some friends. A friend of ours introduced me to a friend of his, Raymond. He was a tall, dark, and cute cowboy. He was everything I thought I wanted. It did not take long before Raymond told me I was beautiful and the best thing that ever happened to him. Soon he said he wanted a commitment that we would not see anyone else. By the following Christmas, we had been dating for one year and Raymond had started talking about marriage. We were engaged at Christmas even though my dad disapproved because he was concerned that I would not finish college.

During the first year, I did see some red flags regarding Raymond’s drinking and how possessive he had become. Raymond would not “allow” me to hang out with my friends alone and he never wanted to be around my friends…only his friends. My friends did not really want to be around Raymond. Every time there was an issue, Raymond blamed my family. Raymond always had an excuse that would keep him from spending holidays with my family. In the 3 1/2 years we dated and were engaged, we had several arguments…but Raymond always said he was sorry. Raymond blamed things on his family, and his upbringing and said he could not help it. Raymond always told me he loved me, and that he would never want to hurt me. He often brought me flowers to say he was sorry for the way he had treated me.

Raymond convinced me that my parents did not like him. He said that my parents did not care about me or what was best for me. So, in June 1992, we got married. After our rehearsal, Raymond threw a fit and stormed out because I had asked my brother-in-law to video the wedding. I felt ashamed that I had to attend our rehearsal dinner alone and made excuses that Raymond was not feeling well all while wondering if I was getting married the next day. Part of me wanted to cancel the wedding while the other part was ashamed and scared that if I canceled, it would inconvenience and embarrass a lot of people. It was not until 3:00am that Raymond said he still wanted to get married. And so, we did.

My parents do not drink and felt that it was against their values to pay for alcohol at a reception. Raymond insisted we needed alcohol, so we had to have two separate receptions. He became so drunk that he could hardly walk. It did not take long before I realized his drinking was more than social. My husband was an alcoholic. Then verbal abuse became more frequent. He would scream profanities at me, threaten me, and always tell me I was lucky to have him because no one else would want me.

In 1995, I discovered I was pregnant. Raymond told me things would be better, and the abuse would end, once we had a little one to love. One evening, he came home and informed me he was having an affair with a coworker. I was devastated. I wondered what I had done that drove him to do such a thing. The next day, I had a miscarriage and the situation worsened. His drinking became worse. He would stop at the bar at 4:00 on his way home from work and would not stumble in until after 9:00. If I wanted to see him, I had to meet him at the bar. But he always said he loved me…and said he was sorry.

In early 1996, Raymond was pulled over and received a DWI. My dad helped me bail him out of jail. (The same dad that he swore did not love me). Around May, I discovered I was pregnant again. The verbal abuse was slowly turning into physical abuse. It started with one slap. He told me that he was so sorry and said it would never happen again. In January, I gave birth to my first daughter, Kaylee. The abuse became more severe and more frequent. He seemed jealous of the attention that the baby demanded and became enraged when she cried.

When Kaylee was only a few weeks old, I called my best friend to come to rescue us because he had thrown a bag of beans across the room and threatened to hit me with a frying pan… The beans had landed in the bassinet where Kaylee was laying. I do not even know why he was angry. As always, Raymond begged me to come back, promised it would never happen again, and told me he loved us. While I was carrying our second child, Raymond told me that he did not know what to do with just one child, so things would be better once we had a second child.

On June 19th, 1999 (the day before our anniversary) he beat me so badly that I refused to leave the house. I was afraid that someone might see my bruises. He also began using emotional extortion/abuse. When I threatened to leave, to get away from the abuse, he held a gun to my head and threatened to kill me and then held it to his head and threatened suicide. During this time, we had accumulated a huge amount of debt. He was drinking all of his paycheck and part of mine. That left me with barely enough to pay the mortgage, utility bills, and medical bills. If we needed food, I had to use a credit card.

On Aug 12, we went to talk to my dad, asking to borrow money. By that time, we had amassed $90,000 in debt and Raymond convinced me to withhold that information from my father. On the way home from my parent’s house, he beat me so badly I was losing my vision. As we got to our house, I tried running to get away…he caught me and started ripping my hair out while he beat me. I begged and pleaded with him to stop. I finally said, “how would you have felt if your dad had beat your mom and you had seen it.” He said, “he did, and she deserved it.”

At that moment I cried out to God and begged him to help me find a way out. It was then that I knew that his abuse was never going to stop. On Aug 12th I left, taking nothing but my girls. I was ashamed to admit the problems to my parents, so I stayed with my in-laws. Aug 13th, he came to my workplace, threatening my coworkers if he did not get to see me. My coworkers called security. That evening he showed up at my in-laws and threatened to kill all of us. I called the police. The officer that arrived advised me to have no contact with Raymond for at least 3 days.

On Aug 16th, my dad took me to the domestic violence office so I could file a restraining order against Raymond. In that office, on the wall, was a checklist of 15 warning signs…any one of which was an indicator that someone was a victim of domestic violence. I identified 14 of the 15 as being part of my situation. I was a classic case. How did I ever get to this point? Why hadn’t I seen it? Why was I so gullible? What would I do now? How would anyone love me, a 29-year-old woman with two daughters?

That day forever changed my life. For 7 1/2 years I was in an abusive relationship. God brought me through it. Since then, most of you know the other part of my story. I met a great Christian man who truly showed me what love is. Not only loved me but my two little girls… and the third that we had together. My life has been centered around God and my family ever since. I tell my story in hopes that it might help at least one girl, or woman, out there who is going through the same thing.

I want to also share a poem that my mom gave me shortly before the last abuse happened. It could have been my story if I had stayed. I do not ask for pity or praise. I ask for prayers for all those out there who are in abusive relationships. I pray that they will have the wisdom to leave and know that no one ever deserves to be treated badly…verbally, emotionally, or physically.

This poem Eva always kept a copy with her in her wallet.

I got flowers today!
It wasn’t my birthday or any other special day.
We had our first argument last night.
And he said a lot of cruel things that really hurt me.
I know that he is sorry and didn’t mean to say the things he said.
Because he sent me flowers today.

I got flowers today.
It wasn’t our anniversary or any other special day.
Last night, he threw me into a wall and started to choke me.
It seemed like a nightmare.
I couldn’t believe that it was real.
I woke up this morning sore and bruised all over.
I know he must be sorry.
Because he sent me flowers today.

I got flowers today!
And it wasn’t Mother’s Day or any other special day.
Last night he beat me again, and it was worse than all of the other times.
If I leave him, what will I do?
How will I take care of the kids?
What about money?
I’m afraid of him and scared to leave.
But I know he must be sorry.
Because he sent me flowers today.

I got flowers today.
Today was a special day.
It was the day of my funeral.
Last night, he finally killed me.
He beat me to death.
If only I would have gathered enough courage and strength to leave him.
I would not have gotten flowers today.