Adjusting to the loss of a loved one is different for everyone, but we all go through the same phases. Some may spend more time in one of the phases or may have stronger feelings in one or more of those periods, but we visit them all at some point. We need to do that for healing purposes and to be able to have a healthy outlook on our future.
The first phase of grief is denial. Even though Eva’s passing was not a surprise to anyone in my family, when it happened, I was not prepared for what I felt at that moment. I immediately felt sorrow that I had not done enough for her. I had been her primary caregiver for years, but that was part of my denial and each day I wished I could do all those tasks one more day. My family and friends helped me to not keep those thoughts and to allow me to move to the next phase.
The next phase is Anger. There are so many new tasks that must be done when someone dies and some of them may not go as you would expect them to go. Your reaction to those tasks that go off in the ditch can reach the point of anger. Or many times the loss just seems so unfair. Some have asked why God would allow their loved ones to be taken away. I had several things that did not go as I had expected and still deal with some of those.
It has been a year since Eva left us and went to Heaven and the cemetery still has not got her nameplate added to the marker. I am extremely disappointed with them; however, I try to not tie those emotions to her passing. My faith tells me that she is with God and in no pain. All the tasks and adjustments that we must do can keep us in this phase if we let them. Resist that with determination to move on.
The third phase is bargaining. This phase and the first two occur many times before your loved one passes. Eva was a Christian and we knew her destination was in Heaven. My Christian faith helped me to shift my prayers from asking for healing to asking for her comfort and relief, even if it meant our loss of her with us. Years back, while attending a class to learn how to help other people deal with times of grief or concern – the leader made a statement that has stayed with me for the past 40+ years. “If you love them, do you love them enough to let them go?”
That is an important question that you should ask yourself when facing the loss of a loved one who has a condition that can only be resolved by a miracle. Prayers are important and group prayers by many friends and family for lifting that person or family up to God, helps with the healing of our soul, but we must understand “if it is God’s will.” God’s power or love is not lessened by our request not being granted nor should our faith be affected.
Phase four is depression which is difficult to put a time limit on and can be bad for our health and outlook on life in general. I think the phrase I said many times is “I’m OK, I’m good.” On some days that was the truth at that moment and on other days, it was to change the subject. I think depression for a period and to a degree is OK. It is a good thing to know that Eva was a big part of my life, and I loved her enough to miss her. However, I have balanced knowing that we had a lot of good years together and that is no small thing. I also remember those long years of her suffering from pain and other problems. I would not want her to endure one more day of that. Do not shut out your family and friends during this process and do not set a time limit when you think you can say this is over. I had days when I just needed to talk about it, and I used my Blog to write about events, and that helped me.
The last phase is acceptance, and it can be tricky. I tried to skip some of the phases and go straight to acceptance. I knew long before Eva died what was going to happen at some point. What I had no control over was all those feelings were going to be part of my healing to be able to get to acceptance of my new reality. The rest of my life will be what I choose to make of it and the things I have no control over.
It has taken time for me to move from a mindset that the rest of my life will be controlled by Eva not being with me to a mindset of I will do the best I can to continue to live with a positive outlook until we meet again. I know that is exactly what Eva would want for me and I would if the roles were reversed. Acceptance is as much about the ones left behind as about missing the one that is in Heaven. I will always miss her, but I should not let that keep me from enjoying the days I have left here on Earth.
Cristy Lane – One Day At A Time
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