Much To Say

I have so much to say built up inside me that I find it hard to say what I feel now. Not many years back these comments would have been shared with only a few and in private. However, many of our friends and family share with each other here on a regular basis and some of you live far away from us.

To all of you that have prayed for Eva, me, and my family – thank you from my heart. That means a lot to me and my family. Many of you never met her and yet you cared enough. To those that were able to come and say goodbye to Eva, she would have loved to see you, but I know she knew you were there. To all of you that sent beautiful flowers, thank you Eva loved flowers of all kinds, but it was always the love behind the gift that she cherished the most.

Over the past few years, I was told by several people to get help. That I could not be Eva’s sole caretaker and let me say that I was her primary caretaker, but never alone. I am fortunate to have one of my daughters, Jennifer, which lives close by, and her three daughters that helped more than they will admit. Kaylee was always doing something for her Grandmother or me. I had some hospice help that helped with bathing and nursing care. For the past several months, I had a dear sweet lady, Maria that was able to come once a week and help with her care and allow me to chance to get out of the house for a few minutes each week. Many times, I would think Eva would be able to get better care elsewhere, but Eva never wanted to be elsewhere.

What I am about to say may be taken in different ways, but I think it is important to those now dealing with caring for a loved one or that may have that in their future. Each day you will do the best you can and you tell yourself, just one day at a time – just one more day. For me, that was my life and God gave us many more days together than I expected. During that period, my prayers transitioned from asking God for healing to praying for her comfort and expressing to Him that I was ready for her to leave me. I got comfortable with those prayers, I was ready. It took about two seconds for me to begin missing Eva more than I thought possible. Later that night, after she had physically left our house, I began to realize that at some point, my love for Eva and desire to best meet her needs, had shifted to responsibility or obligation, and even worse my cross to carry. As I worked to complete my plan for her “goodbye” celebration, I was overwhelmed by remembering how much I loved her, and I wished I had not viewed those last days in that manner. You tell yourself, your faith is strong and your love is very strong, but in the moment and many moments, seeing someone fade from your life over a period of months or years is the toughest thing I have ever experienced. I could be the only one that has ever had these thoughts, but I doubt it. If you find yourself with these feelings, get with someone you can talk to and talk about your feelings honestly. Many will tell you that cannot do it alone and how tough it is. Many of them know it because they have experienced it.

I realize now that God extended Eva’s time here with me not to make my daily life more difficult, but for me to realize I needed help with her transition out of my daily life. Time to realize I need someone like Maria, a stranger to come into our home and show her love for someone she had never known. To know that even with all of the limitations Eva had during those days, she felt the love shared by a person she had never known. During the last two years, the fear of covid kept people from contact with others, and most did not want to risk the chance of bringing that to Eva. Almost everyone in our family had covid except Eva and me, but I was never afraid of either of us getting covid. Don’t let your loved one be alone during that process! Share your love, they may understand more than you think they do. It is not easy to do but, you can still hold onto your memories of better times. Call and ask to see them, say you just want to drop by and say I love you. Let them know they have not been forgotten. The house may be messy, and they may not look the same, but the spirit is still there and needs to know they have not been forgotten.

I am very thankful for so many that came to say goodbye to Eva and that God provided a better plan than I had originally for her service. I hope everyone felt the impact that Eva had had on our lives. Eva was always the silent one working in the background doing what needed to be done without being noticed or given credit. God gave her so many gifts that she worked very hard to do her best at any task before her. Over the years, her beautiful voice touched many hearts more than she ever knew. If she had not chosen to make being a mother and grandmother her life, she had the talent to be a professional recording artist. I think she knew from the age of 14, God wanted her to sing those songs that brought individuals closer to Him. I believe Jesus has told her, Eva job well done.