Battered Life – Rest of the Story

Recently, I posted a story written by my daughter, Jennifer. A very difficult story that tells about her life as a battered wife. It was important that her story was told. That she lived to be able to tell her story. It is important to tell how her life afterward has impacted many others. This is the rest of the story from the point of view of a father and to the best of my ability from a mother of a victim of domestic violence.

Over the years, I have shared parts of this story with some of those close to us, but not to the level that I will try to do with this message. I will attempt to provide some of the personal feelings we had during the years that Raymond brought fear, anger, and a sense of despair into our lives. I will not be retelling Jennifer’s story, but I will try to use her story to tell how we were affected during that period.

To begin my story, let me say that it could never happen to my family. Both of my daughters were raised in a home where the church was an important part of our lives. They were involved with church activities and accepted Jesus as their savior and were baptized in a Baptist Church. They had never been involved with the “wrong” crowd. I had some preconceived ideas regarding the victims of domestic violence. Like – they would leave if they did not love the person causing their abuse. Sometimes, it must get personal before we understand what we don’t know.

Jennifer was always a loving person that would give her all to her friends. Some of those friends did not always stay loyal friends, but she always had friends because of her attitude and personality. She had dated while in high school, but nothing serious that I knew about. She was involved with a lot of group activities including church summer trips. During her first year in college, she shared an apartment with her older sister and that gave us a level of comfort that she would be safe there.

When she began dating Raymond, we did not think too much about it because she was still attending college in San Marcos, and he lived in Cypress. When Tammy graduated at the end of that school year and Jennifer chose to transfer to Sam Houston State, she was home every weekend. When we first met Raymond, he seemed like a polite guy with not a lot to say. Within a brief period, it got clearer that he did not stay around us much and seemed to be otherwise busy when we had family events. Jennifer appeared to be happy, and we had no reason to be overly concerned for a while.

When Jennifer and Raymond told us they wanted to get married, Eva and I were both concerned that he was not right for her. I told them both that they were old enough to make that decision and I could not stop them. However, if they got married, I would not continue to pay for her college expenses. If they waited until she graduated, I would continue to pay her expenses. Jennifer wanted to become a teacher, so she decided to wait. Her grades improved beyond our expectations, I guess she wanted to be sure to finish in four years even though she had to take some extra classes due to transferring to a different school.

By the time Jennifer started her student teaching, Eva and I had serious concerns about Raymond. Jennifer was always with Raymond when she was home, and she had quit going places with her sister or her old friends. Raymond would wait in his truck for her when they were going anywhere. He never would sit down and have a conversation with us. When we tried to talk to her about him, she would get upset and say something like we did not like Raymond and did not want her to be happy. We had been around Raymond and his parents enough to know his family had serious drinking problems. The language used by them made us uncomfortable and showed total disrespect for the impact on children. Before they got married, Raymond’s dad got drunk at one of their family BBQ events and ran off the road. He hit a culvert killing himself just a short distance from his home.

Jennifer and Raymond had been at the same event but had left earlier and had gone to his house to watch a movie. They heard the crash and ran down to the wreck to see his dad dead behind the wheel and the truck in the ditch. Eva and I tried to help Raymond as much as we could. We bought him new clothes, boots, and other things so he would have something to wear at the funeral. We attended the funeral even though we did not know his parents very well, but to support Raymond and Jennifer. We had hopes that Raymond would change his life and let Jennifer lead him toward Jesus and a better life.

During the planning of the wedding, it became clear that Raymond was going to have everything his way. It did not take much for him to get angry and his comments were hurtful and threatening. By the wedding date, I was unsure if I could get Eva to attend the wedding. She had been hurt by the things said by Raymond and his actions toward our family. Raymond had become angry during the wedding rehearsal and did not even stay for the dinner afterward. Jennifer also told us that the wedding reception planned at the church had to be over by a certain time because Raymond’s mom was having another reception at Juergen’s Hall in Cypress where there would be drinking and dancing. In fact, I was not sure that the wedding was even going to happen the next day.

Raymond apologized to Jennifer, and I was able to talk Eva into going to the wedding, but it was only the beginning of a nightmare that played out over many years. After the wedding reception at the church was over and we had everything taken care of at the church, I talked Eva into going to the other reception to at least make an appearance. By the time we got there, many of the people were already drunk. Only a small number of them had attended the wedding, but they were his friends and drinking friends. Raymond’s mom had spared no expense for that event.

We were uncomfortable, but Jennifer introduced us to some of the people she knew, and Eva and I danced to one song. I also danced with Jennifer for one dance before we left to go home. By the time Eva got in the car, she was crying. Crying for her daughter whom she knew was going to have a very painful life. Eva had a lot of memories of her mother being treated poorly and her father with a bad drinking problem. I had given up drinking alcohol because I had learned about her experiences at home and as my faith in God grew stronger.

Jennifer got her first teaching job with the Waller School District close to where they lived in Cypress. She got busy getting ready for her first classes and learning the school routines. We did not see her often during the summer and even less frequently when school began. Jennifer got a job with CYFAIR School District for her second year working at a school not far from Jersey Village. When Tammy got married the year before Jennifer, she had moved to Victoria to live with Kirk, but we always got together as a family for birthdays and other occasions. Jennifer would usually come for a little while, but Raymond never came – there was always a reason.

There would be periods when we would not be able to reach Jennifer by phone and our thoughts would sometimes bring sleepless nights. There were times when Jennifer would come over to our house for a visit and we would notice a bruise or a brace on her hand or arm and she would say she had fallen. She was the first in our family to get a mobile phone and yet we knew they were having money problems. It became clear that it was a way that Raymond could always reach her to tell her to come home and keep track of her.

Over time it became clear that Jennifer was being abused and her personality had changed so much that she was like a different person. When we asked her direct questions about being abused or threatened, she would deny that anything was going on. She would usually leave to go home, and we might not hear from her for several days. When the phone rang at night, we would both hold our breath for fear of bad news regarding Jennifer.

Eva and I were so ashamed that our daughter could be trapped in a dangerous situation, and we could not find a way to help her. Every idea we had to help her carried the risk of losing her forever. All we could think to do was to let her know that we loved her and that we were there for her. We prayed and kept praying for God to take the problem away and give us back our daughter. I began to think Jennifer’s situation was because of something I had done and was being punished through her situation.

When Jennifer told us that she was pregnant, my first thought was “oh no!” Not another life to be trapped in danger. Eva and I told Jennifer how happy we were for her and the baby. Later, Eva and I prayed about it and decided to be optimistic, that it might be good for their marriage. It did not take long before we were even more concerned about her welfare and the baby. I had gotten on a deer lease with Jennifer and Raymond, thinking I would be there with her if she needed help. Raymond had insisted that she could hunt most of the season because the baby was not due until later in January.

Jennifer got an infection and was running a high fever right before Thanksgiving and was put in the hospital. I went to see her in the hospital on my way to the deer lease and Eva planned to be with her until she was released. When I got to the lease, I told them that Raymond would not be there because Jennifer was in the hospital. About an hour later, Raymond drove up. He had not been to the hospital to see Jennifer before he drove to the lease in Brownwood to hunt. It was obvious that he had been drinking the entire way there. Being with Raymond at the hunting lease only confirmed my worst fears. I saw firsthand where his priorities were and how bad his drinking addiction was.

Eva was the perfect mom for Jennifer and grandma for Kaylee, but we were at a loss for what we could do to help them. We just tried to be there for them and kept praying and sometimes crying. For Kaylee’s first birthday, they had a “birthday party” for her that turned out to be a beer-drinking party for his drinking friends. Raymond was drunk and using language not fit for the beer joint down the street where he spent hours each night. We cried all the way home, asking how our daughter that had grown up involved in the church could be trapped in such an abusive marriage.

We tried to be involved with Jennifer and Kaylee as much as possible and stayed away from conversations that Jennifer did not want to have. When Jennifer told us that she was pregnant with her second child, Eva and I told her we were happy again. However, the truth was that we were afraid that the situation would only get worse. Very soon after Lauren was born, Jennifer would call us to tell us that she was taking Lauren to the ER at the hospital. We would meet her there and Eva would take Kaylee home with her while I stayed at the hospital with Jennifer and Lauren. Raymond was never there with them. Every time either Kaylee or Lauren needed to go to the doctor, I was there so often that the staff thought I was the dad.

When Jennifer called to see if I would loan them some money to pay off some bills, I knew that many marriages failed due to financial problems. My head told me that I would only be pouring money down a hole that would never be filled, but my heart told me that she was my daughter and I needed to help her. I felt that I had not done my job as a dad to protect her from harm and I needed to try to make her life better. Eva understood that our efforts could fail to fix the problem. I met with them, and they told me how much money they needed and how the money would be used to pay off the different debts. I believed what they told me was the truth and Raymond seemed to be sincere in what he said. Because it was a large amount of money, I had them sign a contract with a payment schedule for them to repay the loan.

What I did not know was that Raymond had made her lie to me about how much they owed and how terrible things were at home. Not long after the check was cashed, Jennifer called for me to come and get her and the girls. She was at Raymond’s mom’s house, and she was afraid for their lives. Raymond had beaten her and threatened to kill her. She had run next door to his mom’s house. When Raymond went there to get them, his mom and stepdad told him to leave. When Jennifer called 911, Raymond’s mom and stepdad left the house leaving her with no protection. When I got there, the Deputy Sheriff was there, and he was telling Jennifer what she needed to do and where to go to get a protection order.

I cannot describe all the emotions I was feeling, but I knew I had to protect Jennifer and her babies. We both knew that Raymond could kill us all at any minute if he showed up before we got away from there.

There is much more of the story of the divorce and the fear that we lived under for years until Raymond’s death, but that will not be told here. Jennifer, Kaylee, and Lauren lived with us for more than four years until Jennifer married the man that God brought into her life at church. For four years I was both a grandpa and a dad to Kaylee and Lauren that deserved better than they had early in their lives.

The lessons that I learned from those years will stay with me as long as I live. Being raised in a Christian home and being involved with church helps to build a solid foundation, but it will not always protect you from evil people. I also learned that Eva and I had taught our children that we did not believe in divorce. We had talked a great deal about working through problems and divorce was not a solution. I learned that when someone tells you they will kill you, your children, your parents, and all your friends – you don’t test their resolve! I learned things that I did not consider as reasons to stay in a domestic violence situation.

When Eva left to go to Heaven, several people asked me what is the secrete to a long and happy marriage. A long and good marriage will certainly include many happy periods and it will include periods that we don’t like to talk about. Marriage is learning together how to get through all those times we hope we never see. It is about being smart enough to know we don’t know everything we think we know. It is about fixing things that get broken and letting God help with the healing.

I have had a Blessed life, but I still need God to help with things that are broken in my life.

Here are signs that you may be involved with someone that may be capable of domestic violence:

• Controls what you’re doing
• Checks your phone, email, or social networks without your permission
• Forces you to have sex when you don’t want to
• Controls your birth control or insists that you get pregnant
• Decides what you wear or eat or how you spend money
• Prevents or discourages you from going to work or school or seeing your family or friends
• Humiliates you on purpose in front of others
• Unfairly accuses you of being unfaithful
• Destroys your things
• Threatens to hurt you, your children, other loved ones, or your pets
• Hurts you physically (e.g., hitting, beating, punching, pushing, kicking), including with a weapon
• Blames you for his or her violent outbursts
• Threatens to hurt herself or himself because of being upset with you
• Threatens to report you to the authorities for imagined crimes
• Says things like, “If I can’t have you, then no one can”
• Says things like, “that is just the way I am”