When The Pain Is Too Much

When you have spent the majority of your life helping others to adjust to change, you tell yourself that it is all about attitude. You provide little bits of new knowledge to ease them into small changes and show them how the new way will make their life better and give them confidence that they can do it. Smiles always seem to help and listening to their concerns helps. The effort for that process is always proportioned to the amount of change involved.

As a “fixer” that has always sought out solutions to problems or a “need”, my mind is almost always working with details. Identifying the problem at root causes and developing detailed plans involved with solving the “problem”. Every problem is in search of “the solution”. I don’t believe it is a gift from God that has been given to only a few, but not everyone follows a path where that gift is used to the same extent. God has blessed me in so many ways and I have been involved with developing some really great systems over the years that have touched many lives in one way or another. God has blessed me with relationships that have inspired me to keep going when life brings change into my life that I did not seek.

There have been many of those events and I was blessed with the perfect wife as my help-mate to get me through those times. She did not have to provide a solution, only a shoulder, and for me to know we were in it together and would be on the other side of the problem. We were blessed with a wonderful family with our share of problems. A positive attitude has been my way of avoiding the appearance of depression or lack of control over the factors in my life.

Eva always could sense my needs during those times and she knew she could not talk me out of those moments, but she could be “present” and just be available 100%. After she was gone from my life, I got very busy with the list of tasks that must be handled. I needed to give her the celebration she so deserved. I needed to handle all of the changes for our home, insurance, accounts, and all of the little details. I started a Blog to start writing about so many memories and silly stories about our youth. I found time to help others with things important to them. I stayed very busy and sometimes tired from all of those activities.

Almost two weeks ago, I came down with a virus that was just enough for me to stop doing most of what I had been doing for months. I never was concerned about being that sick and did not go to the doctor. However, the coughing became a big problem that prevented me from sleeping at night. Over the many years in IT, the loss of sleep was not a new issue and after many years of taking care of Eva, it was almost normal. Something was different this time and my feelings were almost that of a panic attack. My compass was not there with me and the feeling that my activities served no purpose anymore. That is a change that I have no solution for. It has been more than three months since Eva’s passing and maybe I should be over these feelings. Truth is – there must not be a time limit on how long we miss someone we have spent a lifetime with.

I realize now I must back away from some of those other activities and allow my focus to be on me and my family and less stress on other issues. I plan to write more about things that need to be shared and things that fill my mind with good memories of better times. God will heal my mind and body as I focus on the things that truly matter.