This may seem like a weird topic to write about and I can understand if some people think I have slipped into depression. I hope I am able to tell what happened in the way I experienced it and why things were done in the way they were. Telling my stories has been good for me to get through my grief with a little “smile time” each day. As I put a few words on paper to capture a good memory, that overlays one of those memories of a day when Eva was not enjoying her day. I will always remember the pain she had for many years, but her biggest pain was not being able to continue to show her love for others. She loved taking care of her family and especially the babies.
I tried to capture who Eva was in the form of pictures of her throughout her life and short stories about the things we shared. The purpose of this post is to share what happened with the plan for that day we would get together to say goodbye. First, I will provide a little history that may help to understand parts of what occurred years later.
Eva and I bought our current house in May 2007, to get a one-story house because of her problems with her knees. That also allowed Jennifer’s family to buy the other house so they could live much closer to us. We had a lot of work done to the house to make it even better for when we would be less able to get around. We bought some new furniture and things were happy times in the Ray house. In December of that year, Eva got a call from our doctor one evening. He needed to tell her that the results from her biopsy showed she had cancer. Before she told me that, she asked if we could return the furniture. Then she told me what the doctor had said. I told her we did not need to return furniture and that we would be OK and we would get through it together. Christmas that year was different, but we still tried to do all of the same things and enjoy our time with the family.
It took several weeks to get an appointment with the oncologist so her first appointment was in March 2008. She had the surgery, then her chemo and radiation treatments started the following week. Eva leaned on her faith, family, and friends during those months, but kept a positive attitude. Losing her hair was hard, but then I think it is for everyone. Sometime during that period, Eva put her wig on, did her makeup, got dressed, and went to get her picture taken. I think she wanted me to have that picture to remember her by if she did not recover. She gave me a list of songs that she wanted to be played during her service. We talked about it and I assured her that she was going to get through it and would be fine, but I did not try to blow off her concerns.
Eva recovered from cancer, but it was at the 5-year point (2013) before they would use the term cancer free. I think the chemo treatments stay in your body and affect other parts of your body and she was having falling problems. In September 2013, she fell and crushed her right arm and shoulder. It was at least 10 days before that surgery and the pain was very bad for her. The doctor had to put a steel rod in her arm and a partial shoulder replacement, but the small bones were like sand and could not be fixed. She had therapy for months but never gained full use of her right arm or hand back. She had several more bad falls including one on the July 4th weekend of 2016. She fell and hit her head on a cabinet in our living room, but she told me that she was OK. The next day, she told me that her neck was hurting and her headache did not go away when she took Tylenol.
I took her to the hospital ER and they immediately put her in a neck brace and ordered x-rays and CT scans. She had broken her neck right below her skull. Over several months she had many visits with a Neurosurgeon and had many x-rays, CT scans, and MRIs. It was the Monday before Thanksgiving when she had the surgery to put a lag screw into her spine right below her brain to hold the broken part in place. After more months of the neck collar and therapy, she was able to do some things but she was still unstable. Eva had several more bad falls that included hospital stays and a lot of tests.
During those years, I began planning for what I expected could happen at any point. That she would not live through the next event. I started scanning pictures from her childhood and those years we shared. I found her list of songs she had given me and I had planned for our pastor to conduct her service. All the while I was staying positive with her and helping in every way I could. I stayed home with her and quit leaving the house much at all. I was in a one-day-at-a-time mode, still trying to complete my plan for that day. Then we made the decision to have Hospice home care for her, thinking it would not be long. They provided a bed and other things including help with her care for a few hours a week. That lasted 10 months before her last breath here at home where she wanted to be.
On Saturday, Eva’s two sisters came to see me and they were at my house when Stephen called to offer to help in any way needed. Stephen is the son of Eva’s older sister Georgia. He lives and has a church in California. Later that day, I started to pull my plans together for her service. I began working on a DVD of the pictures of her life and selecting the music that was on her list. Eva wanted particular versions of the songs by her favorite singers. A certain recording of each song, I could do that. During our appointment at the funeral home on Monday, my plans got changed. They could not do Eva’s service until Tuesday of the next week. I already had found out that our Pastor and many of our friends at the church would be in Branson all that week on a trip planned months before.
We called Georgia and asked if there was any way Stephen could fly to Houston to conduct the service. He agreed to come and we started sending emails back and forth about the plans. I sent him one set and then Jennifer sent me what she had found on her Mom’s Facebook page several years back about her story of when we first met. I had tried to capture her story in what I was writing, so I scrapped my version and chose to use her story as she had posted on Facebook. The picture that was used for her Folder and on display for the service was the picture she had made years before when she had cancer. As I was putting the music together for the service, I remembered that I had copied several recordings from church services when Eva had sung several songs. As many of you may know Eva had sung specials many times over the years and that was her gift from God. When I listened to those songs, it became clear that I wanted them played during her service in place of her list of songs. Grace also asked me if it was OK for her to sing a special song during the service. That song was about the singer remembering her Grandmother. I said yes, but I was concerned that she might get emotional while singing a song with that message – she did perfectly. During the last few weeks of Eva’s life, I had decided that I wanted her service to be a closed casket service so people could remember her as she had been earlier. Tammy and Kyle wanted to see her one more time so we changed the plan to have it open for a short period for the family. That meant we needed to decide what she would wear. We found a beautiful outfit that she had made for Jennifer’s wedding and we knew it was perfect. We had a picture of her wearing that outfit there for her service. Jennifer told me she had the wedding dress that Eva had worn when we got married and that was there as part of the display. After I saw Eva during the family visitation time, I changed my mind to have the casket open. I am so glad I did. Then after the service, I learned that Eva’s family had never heard her sing before and they did not know of her gift of singing, sewing, and much more about her life.
What I am trying to say is that with all of my years of planning major projects and preparing for Eva’s Celebration of Life, everything changed within a few days. Every aspect was better than my plan and everything that played out was a blessing in so many ways.
God took charge and had a better plan.
