Remember When

Eva, I remember when you left me that Friday night, April 22, 2022. I remember having feelings of profound sadness and feelings of quiet peace. I remember being surprised at how I missed you so quickly even after the lengthy illness you suffered through for years. I had convinced myself that I was ready for your trip to Heaven, which gave me peace knowing you had reached your destination. I just did not expect to feel so alone.

It has been two years since that day and just a few days after you left us, Lauren gave us our first great-grandchild, Aurora Rose. She has been such a blessing to our family, creating new memories and returning old ones. Quite often when I watch Aurora, I see Jennifer play with her and help her learn new things; it reminds me of you.

I remember meeting you and the other kids on my first day in Mrs. Wilkie’s class in the 3^rd grade. I remember you were my dance partner in the 6^th grade as we learned to dance at school and were in the same class for the 3^rd, 4^th, 5^th, and 6^th grades. We rode the same bus to Burbank from the same bus stop for 7^th-9^th grades and we attended the same church. We went to the same high school and graduated in the same class in 1961.

I remember our first date was in 1963 and it was at the suggestion of JoAnn. I had not seen or talked to you since we graduated, and I did not know what to expect because we had never talked just the two of us. I remember it was fun just getting to know you and the places we went to or things we did were not as important as just being together. Six months later, we would be married.

I remember when we started our lives together as a young married couple, not knowing what the next week would be like but being eager to experience it. I remember that we both changed jobs very soon afterward, with expectations of a better future. I remember the process of learning new things about each other and the transition of making decisions as a family. I remember working long hours building a career and saving for our first home. I remember that Christmas Eve when we moved into our first house.

I remember how you looked when you were expecting our first child, and you still had that grin on your face as you slept. I remember how you had planned to use the latest bottles and other things to give Tammy the best of everything. I remember the time you forgot to add the water when you boiled the nipples and filled the house with smoke. I remember how you cried and felt you could not do anything right. I remember how the next day; everything was right again in our world, and nobody died.

I remember how beautiful you looked when you told me we were going to have our second child, Jennifer. I remember how you got Tammy to be prepared to become a big sister and had her help you with setting up the baby’s room. I remember how you described being a mom and wife as the best job in the world. I wish I had told you more about how I loved you for all you did.

I remember the family trips we took each summer and how you enjoyed them. How important it was to you that our daughters make memories of family trips where they had fun and learned about places in this country. I remember the time you spent at school helping with our daughters’ class activities. I remember your involvement at church, in choir, VBS, and other functions. I remember how important it was that Tammy and Jennifer have a relationship with Jesus and that they would grow in their faith.

I remember the joy we shared when each of our daughters graduated from college and how proud we were of them. I remember the work and effort you put into Tammy’s wedding and then a year later, Jennifer’s wedding. I remember you helping with the flowers and helping with sewing the bridesmaids’ dresses. I also remember those days when the female stress levels peaked.

I remember how it felt to be just the two of us again at home, the “empty nest”. The new freedom to just do something “on our own”. I remember when we wondered how they were doing. I remember when we learned we would be grandparents and how you loved being a grandmother. I remember how you loved our grandchildren and spending time with them. I remember you reading to them, playing games with them, putting puzzles together, making crafts, and singing to them. I remember you teaching the girls how to cook and make cookies and cakes. I know that is why Kaylee loves to cook and has become a great cook.

I know there were also tough times we shared during the 58 years we had together, and I have not forgotten any of them. The outcome was that we learned how strong our love was and how we could lean on our faith in God.

²⁸ And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28 New International Version

Just two years ago, family and friends celebrated your life and what you added to our lives. Tammy and Jennifer shared their memories of you and how you impacted their lives and Grace shared through a song. We did our best to honor the life you shared with us. Since then, they have been here providing support for me. My emotions have been both up and down as I have tried to adjust to the new normal. To determine what “getting on with my life” looks like to me and to others.

Just a year ago, I had serious cervical spinal surgery that could have changed my future. God blessed me with a great surgeon and a good result. That message was that I should or could move on in a new relationship. God has blessed me beyond measure during the years we shared; I wanted that feeling again. However, I was not able to push aside those memories to truly make room for another person in my life in marriage.