I Have Been Blessed

This phrase has been used often by many, myself included. I think the older we get, either we become bitter about things in our life or grateful that the good times outweigh the tough times. During our early years, our focus was always on the current needs and the near-term future. Living in the moment and sometimes from “paycheck to paycheck”. We would celebrate birthdays, anniversaries, and many of the “first-time” events of our married life.

As we got older and our children began their school years, planning for the future became more important. Questions like: “Do we have enough life insurance?” “How are we going to pay for college expenses?” and others would be on our minds and in many of our discussions. If you had daughters like we do, there would be those discussions about how to keep them safe from harm and about how we could pay for the weddings when they happen.

Then one day, the oldest is in college in another city and you realize that the money side was only part of the transition. Your focus is then split between the concerns of the daughter away at college and the daughter in high school just three years from being in college. That becomes a true test of courage and how strong the bond you have developed with your children is. How do you let them know you trust them and still have concerns for their safety?

Then the weekend comes when both daughters are away at college, and you realize the house seems so empty with just the two of you. You have the freedom to do things without planning around the schedules of your children, except all you can think about is when they will be home again. It seems like there is no time before you are paying for class rings and other college expenses to wrap up that phase of their lives.

Both of our daughters finished their college degrees in four years and that was a seven-year period for Eva and me. They both worked hard to get it done and we were able to see that neither of them had any college debt to affect their futures. Then came the weddings, Tammy got married one year and Jennifer got married one year later shortly after graduating from college. For most of two years, Eva was working on the things the mother of the bride does in preparing for her daughter’s wedding. The father needs to learn to listen carefully and to talk less. Three-fourths of our family were female, but 98% of the hormones were female.

We began the “empty nest” period in our marriage when Jennifer got married. Tammy and Kirk lived in Victoria and Jennifer and Raymond lived in Cypress. It had been twenty-five years since it was just the two of us. It was not exactly what I had expected it to be. We had more time together, but our daughters and their families were always on our minds.

With the first grandchild, Kyle, our grandparent phase began adding new excitement into our lives. Five years later, we had a total of five grandkids – one boy and four girls. The only thing a woman likes more than being a mom is being a grandmother. It made me just as happy as her.

In August 1999, Jennifer, Kaylee, and Lauren moved in with us to be safe and begin the next phase of our lives. That was not in any of our plans but was needed by circumstances out of our control. Suddenly we were living “in the moment” and doing what needed to be done that day and the next day. It was a time filled with both tears and joy during the same week. The stress of dealing with protecting them and the joy of showing them the love they so deserved. The house that had been so neatly kept now had toys everywhere. Our nighttime routines again included bedtime stories and child prayers.

That was our life for over four years before Jennifer married Rick and they began their family together in November 2003. Grace was born in 2005, adding another girl to our grandchildren. Once again, our house was much quieter with fewer toys. With that, we began a search to find a one-story house to buy that would be easier on Eva’s knees. We wanted a smaller place, but still large enough for when Tammy’s family came to visit. That “house hunting” period began in 2004 and did not end until 2007 when we bought the house I am living in now.

Just before Christmas 2007, Eva got a call from her doctor telling her that she needed more tests including a biopsy. The biopsy showed she had breast cancer. It was February when Eva was able to see the Oncologist and her treatment plan was developed. Her surgery, radiation, and chemotherapy schedules controlled our other activities for most of 2008. Eva’s courage remained strong, but I believe she felt that her days could be short. While I felt strongly that she would recover from cancer, I got a glimpse of how my life could change without her. Eva had sixty doctor appointments, medical treatments, and tests during 2008.

I retired from work in 2009 and we began a new phase of both of us together more than ever before. Eva had gotten most of her strength back but continued to have her Oncology visits every 90 days including exams and blood tests. Her doctor appointments, tests, and treatments were down to twenty for 2009. It takes five years before they use the term “cured”. I had my shop and projects to work on to stay out of Eva’s activities. We did some remodeling projects around the house together and got more involved with the grandchildren’s activities. With radiation and chemo treatments there are side effects that affect other parts of your body and change the way of looking at the future.

During 2010, Eva’s doctor visits, tests, and treatments were down to fifteen. She was feeling strong enough that we took a vacation to Colorado for a train ride through the mountains. We had a great trip, but she was tired when we got home. By 2011, Eva’s Oncology exams and blood tests were only every six months, but we did not go on a trip that year. In 2012, Eva began having balancing issues or dizzy spells and we changed doctors due to Medicare issues. Her appointments and tests were higher again that year with no apparent reason for the cause of her dizzy spells.

In March 2013, she had a fall that required an ER visit for stitches, and it was assumed that medications may have caused the fall she had been given for a UTI days before the fall. Then on October 7, 2013, Eva fell and crushed her right arm and shoulder and was taken to the ER where they did X-rays, put her arm in a sling, gave her pain meds, and set up a follow-up appointment with an orthopedic surgeon for the next day. During the doctor’s appointment, he explained the damage would require surgery, but additional CT scans were needed so that he would know what would have to be done during the surgery. The surgery was done on the 15^th that required a steel rod in her arm and partial shoulder replacement. She had physical therapy twice a week for the next 13 weeks. She never got much use of that arm or hand again.

During 2014, Eva had many falls including many trips to the ER, multiple brain MRIs, neurologist exams, and tests. Eye and ENT exams with a total of sixty-one appointments or falls for the year. The diagnosis from the Neurologist that year was that she had Parkinson and he put her on medications for that. Her falls continued with her being taken to a different hospital ER on March 22, 2015. She was admitted to the hospital, and they ran tests for three days. A different Neurologist, a Cardiologist, and a GP saw her. They did another MRI of the brain, an ultrasound of the arteries in her neck, X-rays of her hip, leg, and foot, and complete blood tests. She was taken off the Parkinson’s meds and her blood pressure meds were changed. She was put on Occupation and Physical therapy for balance and strength for twenty-six sessions. Eva’s last fall in 2015 was in September with some X-rays and an ultrasound of her left arm and hand.

2016 started off better with normal checkups until the July 4^th weekend when Eva fell and hit her head, but she said she was ok. The next morning her head and neck were hurting, and Tylenol had not helped with the pain, so she was taken to the hospital ER. They put her in a neck brace, did CT scan and MRI of her neck, chest X-rays, blood tests, and a heart monitor for her rapid heartbeat. They determined that she had fractured her neck in the fall and would need to wear the neck brace and have OT & PT therapy with MRIs and X-rays for a period of weeks to see if the bone would grow back together without surgery. From July 6 to September 28, Eva was treated or had examinations thirty-one times. On the 28^th the Neurosurgeon told her she would have to have surgery to insert a lag screw in the C2 portion of her spine. To have the surgery, she had to have a stress test with approval from the cardiologist. The surgery was done on the Monday before Thanksgiving 11/22/2016.

Eva had to continue to wear the neck brace until a release from the Neurosurgeon to be determined later. She had exams and Ct scans every two weeks and was put back on physical therapy for another month. She had more X-rays of her spine before she was told that the break showed no sign of any healing, then she was released from the Neurosurgeon on April 12, 2017. From that point, we knew that any fall could be fatal so our trips out of the house were only when necessary. On January 21, 2019, Eva was sitting at the table eating with us when she fell out of the chair hitting her head and shoulder. The EMTs took her to the hospital ER where they did CT scans, X-rays, and blood tests before they released her around 2:00 a.m.

The surgery to fix the broken neck required going in through the front of the throat to put the lag screw into the bottom portion of the spine into the top piece that was broken to keep it from shifting in that part of the brain. Eva got to where it was exceedingly difficult for her to swallow, and she had difficulties talking much at a time. Hospice Home Care was started in 2020 to help me with her care and I got an individual that could come for a few hours about once a week that allowed me to leave the house for a couple of hours. When Eva left us on April 22, 2022, our grieving began.

When I say, “I have been blessed!” I mean that with all my heart. The details I have included above are not to paint a picture of how much we suffered, or the pain endured by Eva. Through all of what she went through, her faith kept her strong. She never once complained to me or appeared to be angry. None of her health problems were in our plans, but we never once believed that God brought this into our lives. God did give us the strength and the faith to get through those days. It was the earlier days with the smaller problems that seemed so big at the time that laid the foundation of our faith and love that gave us the assurance that we could continue – One Day at a Time.

God gave us so many wonderful experiences during our fifty-eight years that I choose to remember those rather than the last years of her life. What I want to remember about those years is that she still loved me like she did when we got married. I know I am a better person because of her. It would have been easy to think of either of us as victims, but our faith was stronger than that. We were blessed even in our struggles in life.