When a young child is running, falls, and scrapes their knee, they will get up and start crying. The parents will give them a hug, wipe away their tears, and tell them they are okay. A band-aid and a treat, then the smile returns. At that age, the pain is more about the shock of something unexpected occurring. The parents’ love is all the cure needed for the fear to go away.
When a teenager becomes aware of the physical and social changes occurring, it can generate feelings of insecurity. Time spent comparing themselves to others can contribute to feelings of being different and not as good as everyone else. Some may be on the other end of the spectrum and believe that they are prettier or better at something. Either case can affect their social interactions with other kids, which can lead them to feel rejected or ignored. That can lead to a form of depression that, if left unaddressed, can grow to a point where it includes pain. At first, there is no physical pain, but the emotional pain increases to a level where pain is felt in multiple parts of the body. The depression may lead to self-harming, like cutting their arms to see something physical to represent the pain they feel.
Most teenagers see themselves in a less critical way and adjust to disappointments and uncertainty without any depression growing. Even with the majority of those who go through teenage depression, most will get to the other side without major problems. Those who remain might find themselves caught in a social circle where members continually share experiences of feeling mistreated or unloved. Some of them may keep those feelings as part of their personality into adulthood.
Every parent will experience disappointments and stressful situations that can bring depression; however, the responsibilities of being a parent will, in most cases, force them to move on to what needs to be done. It may take time to fully remove those feelings, but not much time is available for it to grow. The death of a family member or a close friend can cause a level of depression that will include feelings of pain. Grief is what we call that form of depression, and it is very real and painful. It can continue to the point of causing relationship problems in some cases.
When senior citizens, old people, reach the point where they have attended a lot of funerals for family members and old friends, the feeling of loss accumulates. The list of family and friends has fewer on the side of still living. Many of us have younger grandchildren or great-grandchildren expanding the family, yet we remain on the sidelines rather than in the inner circle. More often in our case, physical pain can bring depression instead of the other way around. Depression then causes thoughts about those no longer with us and thoughts about the lack of people depending on us. Too much time to think about the things that you used to be able to do, but you know you cannot do. Those feelings increase the physical pain level, and you cannot seem to stop the treadmill.
You cannot be mobile, but it also hurts just sitting. There’s nothing worth watching on TV, and though you have a car, getting dressed feels like too much effort—especially since you’re worried the pain might return. The pain and/or depression will not let you sleep, but you are tired from lack of sleep. Knowing tomorrow will look a lot like yesterday and there are no future goals that you can work toward, are harsh realities. When you get that phone call from a loved one, the first question is always, “How are you doing? Or “Is everything okay?” When they hear, “I’m fine.” Then the discussion moves to things you want to hear, but they do not know about what you are feeling. They are very busy with their responsibilities and believe you are okay. The feeling of not wanting to be a burden to others keeps you from having an honest discussion about what you are experiencing, which can be as dangerous as that of a teenager.
Years ago, many families had their elders living with them, and the wife was always there and would be able to help with their needs. Most of the time, they just sat in a rocker each day until they died. Times have changed, and for the good. However, in the past, there was no retirement age, only the point at which a person could no longer work. There were no feelings about the many things you could not do anymore. Today, many people retire at a time when they are still able to travel and be involved with activities.
Being alone when depressed, with or without physical pain, I believe, is the hardest time for many. This is especially true for those who have spent most of their life being the person in charge or the “fixer” who just took care of problems. Their purpose or “value” is no longer there. What makes the feeling worse is that everyone, including the youth, has cell phones. No one can fix the feelings, but a quick call to say, “Hi, I was thinking of you,” can lift the spirit and change the thoughts of the moment. We may be in our rocking chair in a house somewhere else, but a few minutes of personal contact can break a depression spell. They might even share what they are feeling and give you a chance to understand they are no longer the “fixer” and that is tearing them apart.
An honest and open relationship will help to identify things where help is needed and times when help or ideas are welcome in the other direction. Regardless of age, sometimes things are said that may sound stupid; however, it may be part of trying to connect for other reasons. Try to understand what is not being said, and do not close the door for what may be the real purpose of the conversation. Depression does not improve our communication abilities, and all that is needed may be an “ear” to hear in place of the shoulder to lean on.
Cristy Lane – Lay It On Me
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